George Engel came across this gem from Sandy Apple Press, via Apple Access, via SPCApple Press. Our thanks to the unknown author for this wonderful contribution.
“Prime Time is filled with cops, lawyers and doctors, but the people who really run things in this country are the people in the computer industry. I was wondering what “TV Guide” would look like if popular culture reflected reality. Maybe like this…“
8 am: THIS OLD MAINFRAME. Host Bob Vila revamps a UNIVAC and shows how you can turn an old PC jr. into a functional doorstop, paperweight and other decorative objects.
9 am: WIN, LOSE, OR FAX. Gameshow.
10 am: NAME THAT SOFTWARE. Users attempt to identify well known programs by looking at the least number of lines of source code.
11 am: MY THREE SUNS. Neighbors get suspicious as to why Fred McMurray keeps three UNIX-based workstations in a suburban neighborhood.
12 Noon: GERALDO. Apple and IBM executives debate which operating system leads to the highest increase in productivity. The discussion turns ugly. Geraldo is hospitalized after his nose is broken by a flying Bernoulli box.
1 pm: LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND VISIONARY. Robin Leach takes us on a tour of Steve Jobs fabulous Los Gatos mansion.
2 pm: MY MOTHER THE CAR PHONE. David is involved in a crucial conference call on the New Jersey Turnpike when mama interrupts to ask if he is dressed warmly. She ends up negotiating a better deal than David.
3 pm: BATTLE OF THE LOCAL AREA NETWORK STARS. Middle management executives compete in the floppy discus throw and 440 meter minicomputer hurdles. Sales and Marketing personnel perform on the pommel horse while holding laptops.
4 pm: WORDPERFECT STRANGERS: Larry decides that using groupware would be a good way to meet women, but Balki’s laser printer explodes, ruining any chances of connectivity for the evening.
5 pm: AS THE DISK TURNS: While John is away at COMDEX, Lucinda is having an affair with his WANG. Beau comes home unexpectedly and catches Pam fondling Adam’s laptop. Under hypnosis, Sally is trying to figure out how it was possible to get pregnant at a User’s Group meeting.
6 pm: MAYBERRY CPU: Andy discovers that his digital clock has more intelligence than Goober, who thinks “multitasking” means being able to walk and chew gum at the same time. Aunt Bea debugs Floyd’s electronic cash register. Opie has his mouth washed out with soap after calling Howard Sprague a nerd.
7 pm: HOGAN’S HACKERS. Kinch and Newkirk plant a computer virus in Hitler’s personal database that commands Nazi planes to turn back and bomb Hamburg. Colonel Clone fumes.
8 pm: I DREAM OF GEnie. Comedy.
9 pm: THE HONEYMOONERS. Ralph dreams up a way to hit it rich with a 3-D Word Processor, but it turns out to be vaporware. Ed humiliates Ralph when he makes a million dollars by creating “Norton’s Utilities.”
10 pm: MOVIE “RISC-y BUSINESS” (1982) While Joel’s parents are away, he sets up a parallel processing laboratory in the house. Mom and Dad are furious when they come home to find a mainframe in the living room, but Joel gets an offer to work for Hewlett-Packard.
11 pm: MR ROM’s NEIGHBORHOOD. Mr Rom helps parents put young ones to sleep by reading selections from the “WordStar” manual.
12 am: MODEMLIGHTING. Dave and Maddie finally log on together. Wisecracks ensue.
1 am: SILICON HILLBILLIES. Jed strikes it rich by programming a speech-synthesized hog caller, but Granny heaves the family VAX into the cement pond. Jethro discovers that instead of Corn Flakes he has eaten a bowl filled with 256k RAM chips.
2 am: THE ODD WORKGROUP. Hilarity reigns when Felix replaces all the furniture in an effort to make the apartment more ergonomic. When Oscar uses a disk drive as an ashtray, Felix throws him out, insisting there is no place for slobs in a multiple-user environment.
3 am: L.A. LAN. Douglas sets up an office local area network, but discovers it is being used to send obscene voice mail. Arnie and the new intern are caught nude on a gray-scale scanner. Much laughter ensues when Benny is the only one who can figure out how to install a new FAX board.
4 am: THE PROGRAMMERS COURT. Judge Wapner settles the look-and-feel controversy once and for all. Dough Lieuwellen discusses the verdict with Bill Gates.
5 am: HIGH-TECH BLOOPS AND BLUNDERS. Laugh yourself silly watching Fortune 500 companies suffer hard disk drive crashes, tape backup system failures and information overload.
